Spoiler Alert
I'm afraid I have some terrible news.
Sit down.
Lauren lost American Idol.
Not only did she lose, she lost to Scotty McSatan.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Lauren was about 8 trillion and 4 times better than Scotty.
The only reason that Scotty won, is that every girl 15 and under voted 200 times.
Granted, I voted that many times for Lauren, but she deserved to win. She is pure talent. I think that the last girl winner was Carrie Underwood. She was the last succesful one anyway. Scotty McSatan sucks.
He sounds like EVERY. OTHER. MALE. COUNTRY. SINGER.
I'm fucking enraged.
Scotty "Sanjaya'd" his way to the top.
This pisses me off to a whole new level.
Whatever.
Lauren is going to be a lot more successful than Scotty.
What really irks me is that my sister had to rub it in my face.
The first words out of her mouth?
"Oh God, now Mark's going to cry."
DAMN STRAIGHT.
I'm so angry.
If Scotty and Lauren become successful, and they're both up for album of the year at the Grammy's, Lauren WILL win.
Do you want to know why?
Because she's fucking epic.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
This does not apply to me...at all......MY BODY, MY CHOICE.
Right before lunch ended, the principal said "ATTENTION! All girls may go outside for the remainder of lunch, and boys, we get have a little conversation,"
I swear to God, I thought I was going to piss myself, because I was so nervous.
I knew I didn't do anything wrong, so I had nothing to be nervous about, but I was nervous, nevertheless.
I don't know why I get nervous like this, but it always happens. It's kind of like how I get nervous around cops, because I'm afraid that they are going to arrest me for......never doing anything illegal, ever.
I looked around the table I was sitting at. It was all girls. I was going to be alone when this happened, alone with every 8th grade boy in school.
This is my worst nightmare.
The only people, who bully me at school, are boys.
I was surrounded by my oppressors.
"In the past week, I have had 3 separate cases of girls coming into my office, saying that a boy touched them in inappropriately," said the principal. "Oh, Jesus," I moaned aloud. The principal continued on with his well practiced speech. "If you harass a girl, you WILL be put in sac or AEP or suspended." His country drawl seemed to be even more concentrated as he spoke.
Our school principal is what I like to call an “Almost Nugget” He isn’t quite a midget, but he is shorter than the average male, and he is extremely obese. This combined with his accent, make him the cutest thing that I have ever seen, and have made him my favorite school principal.
“If a girl comes to me saying this, I will not ask questions. You will be punished severely” He was getting angry, and his face was turning red. I was scared that his poor little almost nugget body couldn’t take the stress. I though on several occasions that I would have to fake AIDs to get the attention off of the poor guy.
“I don’t care if you touched her, looked at her strangely, invaded her space, or sent her inappropriate texts.” This set me beside myself. The fact that I was classified with a group of people, who could do that, appalled me. I do not sext. I do not pext. I do not bext. A.) That’s fucking gross. B.) I would be too afraid that the phone company could see what I was texting. C.) With my luck the pictures would start to circulate when I am on the height of blog superstardom.
I almost started screaming, “I’m sorry, but does this even apply to me. I’m Mark Burrows Goodnight. I’m smart. Also, I’m scorching, and the ladies come to me.” Seriously, that is gross. My ears, my choice, dude. I don’t need to be hearing this shit.
Since when is it okay to talk to kids about these things.
I deem subjects like this to be wildly inappropriate for our age group.
Where is the FCC when you need them, damn it?
I swear to God, I thought I was going to piss myself, because I was so nervous.
I knew I didn't do anything wrong, so I had nothing to be nervous about, but I was nervous, nevertheless.
I don't know why I get nervous like this, but it always happens. It's kind of like how I get nervous around cops, because I'm afraid that they are going to arrest me for......never doing anything illegal, ever.
I looked around the table I was sitting at. It was all girls. I was going to be alone when this happened, alone with every 8th grade boy in school.
This is my worst nightmare.
The only people, who bully me at school, are boys.
I was surrounded by my oppressors.
"In the past week, I have had 3 separate cases of girls coming into my office, saying that a boy touched them in inappropriately," said the principal. "Oh, Jesus," I moaned aloud. The principal continued on with his well practiced speech. "If you harass a girl, you WILL be put in sac or AEP or suspended." His country drawl seemed to be even more concentrated as he spoke.
Our school principal is what I like to call an “Almost Nugget” He isn’t quite a midget, but he is shorter than the average male, and he is extremely obese. This combined with his accent, make him the cutest thing that I have ever seen, and have made him my favorite school principal.
“If a girl comes to me saying this, I will not ask questions. You will be punished severely” He was getting angry, and his face was turning red. I was scared that his poor little almost nugget body couldn’t take the stress. I though on several occasions that I would have to fake AIDs to get the attention off of the poor guy.
“I don’t care if you touched her, looked at her strangely, invaded her space, or sent her inappropriate texts.” This set me beside myself. The fact that I was classified with a group of people, who could do that, appalled me. I do not sext. I do not pext. I do not bext. A.) That’s fucking gross. B.) I would be too afraid that the phone company could see what I was texting. C.) With my luck the pictures would start to circulate when I am on the height of blog superstardom.
I almost started screaming, “I’m sorry, but does this even apply to me. I’m Mark Burrows Goodnight. I’m smart. Also, I’m scorching, and the ladies come to me.” Seriously, that is gross. My ears, my choice, dude. I don’t need to be hearing this shit.
Since when is it okay to talk to kids about these things.
I deem subjects like this to be wildly inappropriate for our age group.
Where is the FCC when you need them, damn it?
Friday, May 20, 2011
"It's the Mississippi fault line!"
Oh my dear lard Jesus.
Al Pachino is at his usual shenanigans again.
I'm sure you've heard that the world is supposed to end tomorrow.
Literally only God knows whether it's gonna happen or not, but Al Pachino is absolutely positive that it WILL, in fact, end.
His theory?
"The world is gonna end because the government is planning to break the Mississippi fault line tomorrow at 6:00 P.M. It's gonna be 9.5 earthquake in Mississippi and a 4.4 here in Azle! You gotta believe me! Go to Fema.gov!"
I went there just now.
It said nothing about a fault line, or about bogus government conspiracy's, or Jesus coming to take us to Heaven on his flying Unicorn.
I hope that there isn't an earthquake, only so my friends and I can point and laugh at him.
What is he going to say when he comes to school tomorrow, and nothing has happened?
"Yeah, so I was wrong. Laugh at me and I'll suck your blood dry."
To which I would respond,
"I bet you'd like that. Ooh, look at my veins, all supple, delicious, and exposed. Are you getting thirsty? I have a big ole supply of warm 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit blood in here."
This guy proves time, and time again, that he is not only insane, but also a total lunatic.
Seriously, somebody please call a mental hospital.
If the world does end tomorrow, the I'm taking my TOMS, my phone, and my charger.
Which leads me to this:
Do you think there's cable in Heaven? Because I will not miss the American Idol finale.
I can NOT believe Haley got voted off of American Idol!
I cna't believe that guy Scotty is still in.
He isn't that good. He sounds like EVERY OTHER male country singer in the world.
It wasn't supposed tp be like this.
It was supposed to be Lauren and Haley in the top 2, and they were going to tie, and both get recording contracts, and everything in the world would have been right.
Surely Haley will get a recording contract and be super successful.
I hope with all of my heart that Lauren wins.
All of you should text vote to American Idol, for Lauren.
She is my love.
Al Pachino is at his usual shenanigans again.
I'm sure you've heard that the world is supposed to end tomorrow.
Literally only God knows whether it's gonna happen or not, but Al Pachino is absolutely positive that it WILL, in fact, end.
His theory?
"The world is gonna end because the government is planning to break the Mississippi fault line tomorrow at 6:00 P.M. It's gonna be 9.5 earthquake in Mississippi and a 4.4 here in Azle! You gotta believe me! Go to Fema.gov!"
I went there just now.
It said nothing about a fault line, or about bogus government conspiracy's, or Jesus coming to take us to Heaven on his flying Unicorn.
I hope that there isn't an earthquake, only so my friends and I can point and laugh at him.
What is he going to say when he comes to school tomorrow, and nothing has happened?
"Yeah, so I was wrong. Laugh at me and I'll suck your blood dry."
To which I would respond,
"I bet you'd like that. Ooh, look at my veins, all supple, delicious, and exposed. Are you getting thirsty? I have a big ole supply of warm 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit blood in here."
This guy proves time, and time again, that he is not only insane, but also a total lunatic.
Seriously, somebody please call a mental hospital.
If the world does end tomorrow, the I'm taking my TOMS, my phone, and my charger.
Which leads me to this:
Do you think there's cable in Heaven? Because I will not miss the American Idol finale.
I can NOT believe Haley got voted off of American Idol!
I cna't believe that guy Scotty is still in.
He isn't that good. He sounds like EVERY OTHER male country singer in the world.
It wasn't supposed tp be like this.
It was supposed to be Lauren and Haley in the top 2, and they were going to tie, and both get recording contracts, and everything in the world would have been right.
Surely Haley will get a recording contract and be super successful.
I hope with all of my heart that Lauren wins.
All of you should text vote to American Idol, for Lauren.
She is my love.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Rude people, Annoying voices and Awesome accents.
The RUDEST person at school, has been established.
He beat Ross and Rachelll.
He beat O.J.
He even managed to slide barely past Al Pachino.
His nickname is
Donald Trump.
On monday, I was walking to my car after school, with my best good friend, Britney. Well, him, a level 5 fat Mexican that I'm naming Gigantico, and some mysterious/faceless character, opened the bus window, and screamed "Hey FAGGOT!" and "Yo FAG."
How original.
I retorted with this one, "Really? Really!? WHY CAN'T YOU GAIN THE COURAGE TO COME UP TO ME AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU ******* ********!?!?"
It wasn't my best comeback but it described them perfectly.
I filed a report the next morning.
I'm tired of this happening.
I listed my friend Britney as a Witness, and she said she would be willing to testify on my behalf.
I've found that the public school system has pretty much become a court system.
They have trials, witness' and even lawyers sometimes, but they never work.
Nobody gets sent to prison, they get one day of lunch detention, and that's about it.
No lesson is learned once it's over.
It's been 2 days, and nothing has been done.
I'm thinking about contacting Chelsea Handler.
My reading teacher, who I am naming Kat Von D, has the worst voice ever.
She like holds half of her mouth closed while she talks and it's very soothing, or lack thereof.
Her voice makes me want to strangle a golden retriever.
One of my mothers work friends is over, and he has a sweet ass accent.
It's like Jamaican/German/English/Australian.
It's pretty damn dope.
He beat Ross and Rachelll.
He beat O.J.
He even managed to slide barely past Al Pachino.
His nickname is
Donald Trump.
On monday, I was walking to my car after school, with my best good friend, Britney. Well, him, a level 5 fat Mexican that I'm naming Gigantico, and some mysterious/faceless character, opened the bus window, and screamed "Hey FAGGOT!" and "Yo FAG."
How original.
I retorted with this one, "Really? Really!? WHY CAN'T YOU GAIN THE COURAGE TO COME UP TO ME AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU ******* ********!?!?"
It wasn't my best comeback but it described them perfectly.
I filed a report the next morning.
I'm tired of this happening.
I listed my friend Britney as a Witness, and she said she would be willing to testify on my behalf.
I've found that the public school system has pretty much become a court system.
They have trials, witness' and even lawyers sometimes, but they never work.
Nobody gets sent to prison, they get one day of lunch detention, and that's about it.
No lesson is learned once it's over.
It's been 2 days, and nothing has been done.
I'm thinking about contacting Chelsea Handler.
My reading teacher, who I am naming Kat Von D, has the worst voice ever.
She like holds half of her mouth closed while she talks and it's very soothing, or lack thereof.
Her voice makes me want to strangle a golden retriever.
One of my mothers work friends is over, and he has a sweet ass accent.
It's like Jamaican/German/English/Australian.
It's pretty damn dope.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sexual Healing
Yes, my children.
It is that time.
Time for Sex Ed.
It's dreaded by many of us humans.
Even by some parents.
But guess who isn't?
Al Pachino
Yeah, in fact, he couldn't stop talking about it.
Even before this class started a week ago, he couldn't wait to tell the whole school about his adventures with the nether regions of the female anatomy.
He is such a disgrace to the male community.
Boys like me, spend years building up our reputation, and then pervy vampires, such as Al Pachino, tear it down like Godzilla on Redbull and Crack.
Anyhow, it’s Sex Ed, or “Worth the Wait” week, and that means we get to say words out loud in class, without getting in trouble, such as vagina, and Uterus, and ejaculate and PENIS.
Yes, PENIS. Deal with it. It’s gross but in Sex Ed. it is said about 84 times per class. Or as I like to call these classes “Mind Rapes” Or “Mind Molestations”
Cervix
Did that make you uncomfortable?
It sure made me feel uncomfortable.
Now try listening to those words spew out of your science teacher’s mouth at 62 miles per hour.
To make matters worse, he puts drawings up on the board.
They are very detailed, and very gross.
The whole time I’m in that class, I just go to my happy place, and deal with it. Also I pray a little that the icky-ness will stop soon. It’s how I would imagine being raped would be.
Minus the anal pain and the drowsiness from the roofie.
It is that time.
Time for Sex Ed.
It's dreaded by many of us humans.
Even by some parents.
But guess who isn't?
Al Pachino
Yeah, in fact, he couldn't stop talking about it.
Even before this class started a week ago, he couldn't wait to tell the whole school about his adventures with the nether regions of the female anatomy.
He is such a disgrace to the male community.
Boys like me, spend years building up our reputation, and then pervy vampires, such as Al Pachino, tear it down like Godzilla on Redbull and Crack.
Anyhow, it’s Sex Ed, or “Worth the Wait” week, and that means we get to say words out loud in class, without getting in trouble, such as vagina, and Uterus, and ejaculate and PENIS.
Yes, PENIS. Deal with it. It’s gross but in Sex Ed. it is said about 84 times per class. Or as I like to call these classes “Mind Rapes” Or “Mind Molestations”
Cervix
Did that make you uncomfortable?
It sure made me feel uncomfortable.
Now try listening to those words spew out of your science teacher’s mouth at 62 miles per hour.
To make matters worse, he puts drawings up on the board.
They are very detailed, and very gross.
The whole time I’m in that class, I just go to my happy place, and deal with it. Also I pray a little that the icky-ness will stop soon. It’s how I would imagine being raped would be.
Minus the anal pain and the drowsiness from the roofie.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Will blog for money.
So I added AdSense to this, a blog that's full of awesome, or lack thereof. Yeah, I'm a pushover when you say you'll give me money. *Insert gross joke here*
So my Laptop Fund is still going strong. It's as strong as my will power when it comes to cheesecake. Take that as you will.
I've bought a shocking amount of songs on iTunes, and some shoes. I've bought so many things, that it would be easier to list what I haven't purchased.
Things that I have NOT purchased:
1. Pretzel M&Ms
2. The song "Friday" by Rebecca Black
3. E.T. Feat. Kanye West (I, along with the Universe's population, hate Kanye West for being rude to Taylor Swift)
4. Kotex Tampons and Pads
5. A Laptop
6. Jeans
7. An "I'm a Belieber" T-Shirt
8. Jesus's sandals
9. A grand piano
10. A hooker. (I don't need one, I have your mom.)
SO that is why I am gonna put Ads on my blog.
In other words, I'm now a comedy whore.
So my Laptop Fund is still going strong. It's as strong as my will power when it comes to cheesecake. Take that as you will.
I've bought a shocking amount of songs on iTunes, and some shoes. I've bought so many things, that it would be easier to list what I haven't purchased.
Things that I have NOT purchased:
1. Pretzel M&Ms
2. The song "Friday" by Rebecca Black
3. E.T. Feat. Kanye West (I, along with the Universe's population, hate Kanye West for being rude to Taylor Swift)
4. Kotex Tampons and Pads
5. A Laptop
6. Jeans
7. An "I'm a Belieber" T-Shirt
8. Jesus's sandals
9. A grand piano
10. A hooker. (I don't need one, I have your mom.)
SO that is why I am gonna put Ads on my blog.
In other words, I'm now a comedy whore.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Flip Flops VS. Nike
So in reading class, a bunch of the 7th graders have been coming and to do their work in our class.
I hate 7th graders. They think they are so much better than everyone else. Ugh, I hope I wasn't like that last year. If so, I apologize, world.
Well, there is this muscled guy who is all manly and is way past puberty.
He's pretty intimidating.
He insulted the worlds best creation: Flip-Flops.
I punched my friend, Ashleigh, because she asked me something dumb. Well, she went "OW! JERK!!" and i was all "Hahah wuss. Hahah Sorry."
That is when Mr. Roid Rage was all "This coming from a BOY wearing flip-flops."
Oh, HELL no!, I thought.
Me: "Flip-Flops, my friend, are fricken awesome."
Mr. Roid Rage: "Yeah *Laugh Laugh*, whatever."
Me: "RUDE. I wasn't talking to you! I will throw my flip flops at your FACE."
I was angry. You don't just hate flip flops.
Flip flops are to Nikes as Unicorns are to Sloths.
I like Unicorns.
Who wouldn't want a Unicorn?
Like what if some dude came up to you with a Unicorn, and was all "Want this Unicorn for free?"
Would you say "No."?
Of course you wouldn't say no!
You'd say "Ehff yah."
I hate 7th graders. They think they are so much better than everyone else. Ugh, I hope I wasn't like that last year. If so, I apologize, world.
Well, there is this muscled guy who is all manly and is way past puberty.
He's pretty intimidating.
He insulted the worlds best creation: Flip-Flops.
I punched my friend, Ashleigh, because she asked me something dumb. Well, she went "OW! JERK!!" and i was all "Hahah wuss. Hahah Sorry."
That is when Mr. Roid Rage was all "This coming from a BOY wearing flip-flops."
Oh, HELL no!, I thought.
Me: "Flip-Flops, my friend, are fricken awesome."
Mr. Roid Rage: "Yeah *Laugh Laugh*, whatever."
Me: "RUDE. I wasn't talking to you! I will throw my flip flops at your FACE."
I was angry. You don't just hate flip flops.
Flip flops are to Nikes as Unicorns are to Sloths.
I like Unicorns.
Who wouldn't want a Unicorn?
Like what if some dude came up to you with a Unicorn, and was all "Want this Unicorn for free?"
Would you say "No."?
Of course you wouldn't say no!
You'd say "Ehff yah."
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Satan sent me freind request.
So Al Pachino sent me a friend request in Facebook.
I almost accepted it just to write rude things on his walls, just to make him upset. I saw the friend request and was all "Access Denied." I wish you could send little messages to the person who's freind request you're denying.
"Dear Satanic Vampire,
I am ignoring, no that's the wrong word, I'm saying "Hell no." to this request, for the following reasons:
1.) You're awful.
2.) You have had an orgasm from being bitten...in public.
3.) You are a former and future convict. *I'll post about that later*
4.) You're an ass.
5.) You think Osama Bin Laden wasn't responsible for the terrible tragedies on 9/11.
6.) You're probably going to die by suicide bombing this school.
7.) You think you have Vampirism.
8.) You made up Vampirism as an excuse to enjoy killing people and then eating them.
9.) You're a homophobe.
10.) I hate you.
11.) I'm pretty sure you're the reincarnation of Hitler.
With hatred,
Mark Burrows Goodnight.
I almost accepted it just to write rude things on his walls, just to make him upset. I saw the friend request and was all "Access Denied." I wish you could send little messages to the person who's freind request you're denying.
"Dear Satanic Vampire,
I am ignoring, no that's the wrong word, I'm saying "Hell no." to this request, for the following reasons:
1.) You're awful.
2.) You have had an orgasm from being bitten...in public.
3.) You are a former and future convict. *I'll post about that later*
4.) You're an ass.
5.) You think Osama Bin Laden wasn't responsible for the terrible tragedies on 9/11.
6.) You're probably going to die by suicide bombing this school.
7.) You think you have Vampirism.
8.) You made up Vampirism as an excuse to enjoy killing people and then eating them.
9.) You're a homophobe.
10.) I hate you.
11.) I'm pretty sure you're the reincarnation of Hitler.
With hatred,
Mark Burrows Goodnight.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I feel like I haven't blogged in forever.
So it's 1:47 AM and I can't sleep.
Partly because I took a 4 hour nap today. Yeah, I celebrated Cinci De Mayo like a true Mexican.
RACIST.
So, I got Al Pachino in trouble on Wenesday. He was talking about how he thinks Osama Bin Laden isn't dead or that he's always been dead, or some shit like that. He constantly thinks that he's the star of some kind of Matt Damon movie and it's his responsiblity to save America from Iraq or something.
Even if this were a Matt Damon movie we wouldn't want Al Pachino to save us.
Anyway I said "Shut up. Nobody cares." I know that this seems a little mean but, come in. Nobody cared and he was being annoying. Well, he said "I'm going to beat the shit out of you."
Clearly the teacher wasn't letting this slide, so he sent him to the office.
The tracer let me brig the D-Slip to the office because we both agreed that it would be funnier that way. (Because that's all that matters.)
When I got there, the Principal was like flipping his shit, not because Al Pachino was ridiculous, but because I said "Shut Up."
Now Al Pachino did get punished and sent to SAC for 2 days. (He's getting out tomorrow.e ad Britney and I are holding a press confrence on this) But I can't believe I got yelled at because of this. He was saying awful things.
And on monday, when everybody was so happy that Osama Bin Laden is dead, he was all "Its a conspiracy. He's not really dead. Or at least I hope not; He is totally innocent for 9/11."
Are you kidding me?
He's so stupid. The ENTIRE class flipped out on him.
Which is expected and he definently deserved it.
Because he's stupid.
And he thinks he's a vampire.
Partly because I took a 4 hour nap today. Yeah, I celebrated Cinci De Mayo like a true Mexican.
RACIST.
So, I got Al Pachino in trouble on Wenesday. He was talking about how he thinks Osama Bin Laden isn't dead or that he's always been dead, or some shit like that. He constantly thinks that he's the star of some kind of Matt Damon movie and it's his responsiblity to save America from Iraq or something.
Even if this were a Matt Damon movie we wouldn't want Al Pachino to save us.
Anyway I said "Shut up. Nobody cares." I know that this seems a little mean but, come in. Nobody cared and he was being annoying. Well, he said "I'm going to beat the shit out of you."
Clearly the teacher wasn't letting this slide, so he sent him to the office.
The tracer let me brig the D-Slip to the office because we both agreed that it would be funnier that way. (Because that's all that matters.)
When I got there, the Principal was like flipping his shit, not because Al Pachino was ridiculous, but because I said "Shut Up."
Now Al Pachino did get punished and sent to SAC for 2 days. (He's getting out tomorrow.e ad Britney and I are holding a press confrence on this) But I can't believe I got yelled at because of this. He was saying awful things.
And on monday, when everybody was so happy that Osama Bin Laden is dead, he was all "Its a conspiracy. He's not really dead. Or at least I hope not; He is totally innocent for 9/11."
Are you kidding me?
He's so stupid. The ENTIRE class flipped out on him.
Which is expected and he definently deserved it.
Because he's stupid.
And he thinks he's a vampire.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
So...Charlie Sheen is a warlock now?
Charlie Sheen bailed out Lenny Dykstra, the former Met Baseball player, who allegedly was embezzling more than $400,000 from his bankrupt estate. He was held on bail for nearly a week, until Charlie Sheen swooped in like Superman, and saved his embezzling ass, for $22,000.
Charlie Sheen told TMZ, wait for it, "The rendition guilty trolls, that kidnapped my dear friend, Nails, clearly forgot that he is a fellow Vatican Assassin, and his best pal is a Warlock."
Here is what I got from that sentence: A bunch of river bridge monsters abducted Charlie Sheen the Warlock's best good friend, Lenny, who is made out of fingernails, forgot that he kills Jewish people for the Pope.
Charlie Sheen told TMZ, wait for it, "The rendition guilty trolls, that kidnapped my dear friend, Nails, clearly forgot that he is a fellow Vatican Assassin, and his best pal is a Warlock."
Here is what I got from that sentence: A bunch of river bridge monsters abducted Charlie Sheen the Warlock's best good friend, Lenny, who is made out of fingernails, forgot that he kills Jewish people for the Pope.
Based on his previous statement, I can conclude that Charlie Sheen is, in fact, a Nazi.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)