Petrificus Totalus, PSYCHO!

Last night, I was on my computer, when I heard the back door of my house slam. 


Because I’m the most paranoid person on the face of the earth, my mind went straight to the most logical explanation: There is a murderer in my house, I am in a horror movie, and I am going to die now.

I have seen enough horror movies to know that it is never good to be alone, so I hightailed it to my mom’s room. On my sprint there, I realized that my father, who had fallen asleep on the couch hours earlier, was now gone. The only logical explanation was obviously this: My father has been murdered by Ghostface, the killer from the Scream franchise, and lynched with his internal organs spilling out, like Drew Barrymore in the beginning of Scream 1.

This made me run even faster towards my mother’s room, like Lil’ Wayne does when he sees a KFC at 9:55 P.M., and KFC closes at 10:00 P.M., Oh no!

I got to my mother’s room and shook her awake like Jodi Foster did Kristen Stewart in Panic Room, after seeing through the security cameras in her panic room, that there were people in her freaking house.

My mother was filled with terror, or lack thereof. She looked like I had just told her that I had to pee, because that’s probably what she heard, due to her still being half asleep when I told her.

I heard the door slam again. Did I dare to open the door and see the man I knew would murder me? I wasn't going down without a fight.

I bravely opened the door like tiger ready to pounce on it’s prey.

What did I see, you ask? A man in a Ghostface costume? A man with a scar on his face, given to him by his abusive father at the age of four, after spilling paint in the garage?

No.

I saw my dad, in his boxers and nothing else. “Did you get him?” I asked. “Get who? Go to bed! Isn't it like four in the morning?” I took a moment to collect myself after thinking about how George in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One had said the word "Morning", after seeing his sister, Ginny, making out with her future husband, Harry.

“Dad, this is no time for sleep,” I hissed “There is a murderer in or around the house, and I don’t have my wand with me!” My father looked at me for a moment. “What are you even talking about?” he said looking rather angry. “Why were you just outside?” I said, impatiently. My father looked at me and said “Oh, I was taking a leak.” then he plopped down on the couch, and started snoring.

I don’t know if I can handle four more years of this.


Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but....come on.                                                                   Oh, I was taking a leak.