Benji

My sister saved I saved a puppy.
It is the cutest little nugget that I have ever seen. It's low fat nugget, but a nugget nonetheless.
Abiut a week ago we were headed home from inhaling tacos at the local Mexican Inn, when we saw this little cutey in the middle of the road, slowly and pitifully running after some joggers. We originally thought it was a squirrel and then we drove closer. It was the cutest and saddest puppy that I'd ever seen.
That's how I am. I base the cuteness of an animal based upon how upset it looks. This would put any A.S.P.C.A. commercial to shame.

The puppy couldn't have been more than 10 weeks old and it was smaller than one of my forearms. It was as skinny as a bulimic, and mangy. The fur it did have was grayish, black, stiff, and thin. Everything about this little lean cuisine chicken nugget puppy screamed stray. I could practically see his stomach due to his being so skinny.

My sister called for him and he came straight to her. We were in her car so Whitney takes credit for saving him, but I actually am the one who has been taking care of him.

We went over to this guy's house that has a lot of dogs because we thought it might be his. I was sure it wasn't his, and that is was a stray but we thought we should at least try.
So we go drive into this man's driveway and he is on his porch smoking a cigarette, shirtless, with his bitch-tits low swingin'. He waddled over to our car.

"We were driving kinda near your house and we found this little hot mess, and thought it might be yours." we said. "Wha' kine daw is it?"
I was holding the puppy, Lion King style.
Clearly this guy wasn't the sharpest red-neck at the Toby Keith Concert. (F.U.T.K Freedom. Understanding. Tolerance. & Knowledge.)
He said it was probably dumped by it's owner which is what we thought.

We brought it home and because it was night time we put him in the crate with our other dogs.

The noise that came from this little puppies mouth is hard to describe.
Imagine the sound of a dementor sucking the soul out of puppy's body.
You got that?
Now multiply it by 8 billion. I named him Benji because, well I like that name.
I wanted to keep him forever and ever, but yesturday the inevitable happened: We gave him away.

Our air conditioner broke, and one of the guys who was fixing it, asked and we told him the story.
He decided thart he wanted to keep him! This is good for him because he needs to be an inside dog and we just couldn't have him as one. When I thought all hope of keeping Benji was lost, a slimmer of hope came...
Benji threw up.
The first thing in my mind? "I CAN KEEP HIM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!"
I didn't think the guy would still keep him, but he did.

I hugged Benji goodbye like he was being taken to Heaven by Jesus himself. I made it clear to the air guy, that if he did not keep Benji's name "Benji" then I would hunt him down, steal his identity, and buy a Ferrari on the internet.

Here is a picture of Benji

It's people like this that make the devil happy.

This guy seriously needs a reality check. There's a point in the video where I just got embarrassed for him.

Then I just got annoyed and left the computer



So. Flippin'. Jealous.

Alexandria’s Genesis, a.k.a violet eyes (a genetic mutation).

When someone is born with Alexandria’s Genesis, their eyes are blue or gray at birth. After six months, the eyes begin to change from their original color to purple, and this process lasts six months. During puberty, the color deepens to dark purple, a deep purple, a royal purple, or a violet-blue color and remains that way. It does not affect the person’s eyesight.

Those who have this mutation will never grow any facial, body, or pubic hair, (not including hair on their head, on their ears, noses, eyebrows and eyelashes)

Women also do not menstruate, but are still fertile.
So basically they’re perfect people. 

Upon further research
The “symptoms” of those who have Alexandria’s genesis are shimmering, white skin that resists tanning or burning; no body hair other than that which they are born with; purple-colored eyes; a slowing down and even stopping of the aging process; a life span of up to 170 years; their bodies produce little or no waste; their bodies are well-developed; their immune systems are incredibly strong, and resist every disease known to man; they have perfect vision; and they never gain weight. In other words, they’re really “super-human”.

          I'M JEALOUS.
          If I saw somebody like this in real ife I'd just be like

       

I lied.

Well, I lied.
I said I was going to post yesterday, and I didn't.
Sorry.

Anyhow, what up with me?
Oh, nothing. I just got my self a computer.
That's all.
A COMPUTER.
I'm lovin' it.
It's not a MacBook, or even a laptop, but it's my computer and I love it.

I have my own iTunes account and I saw a play list that said "Top 25 Most Played.
I clicked it, and apparently the awesome song that is "Not Ready To Make Nice"  by The Dixie Chicks, is my favorite .
I'm not surprised because that really is like my favorite song.

Here are my most played songs!

25: Paparazzi, by Lady Gaga
24: Cosmic Love, by Florence + The Machine
23: Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson
22: Sober, by P!nk
21: Alejandro, by Lady Gaga
20: Your Love is my Drug, by Ke$ha
19: Cowboy Take Me Away
18: Halo, by Beyonce
17: Tik Tok, by Ke$ha
16: Coming Home, by Gwenyth Paltrow
15: Tear Drops on my Guitar, by Taylor Swift
14: Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves, by Cher
13: Bad Romance, by Lady Gaga
12: Rolling in the Deep, By ADELE
11: Poker Face, by Lady Gaga
10: Complicated, by Avril Lavigne
9: Goodbye Earl, by the Dixie Chicks
8: Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal), by Fergie
7: Telephone, by Lady Gaga Feat. Beyonce
6: Easy Silence, by the Dixie Chicks
5: Someone Like You, by ADELE
4: If I Could Turn Back Time, by Cher
3: Airplanes, by B.o.B Feat. Hayley Williams
2: Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri
1: Not Ready to Make Nice, by the Dixie Chicks

Not Ready to Make Nice was played 771 times.
Holy Shnikees.

Well, congradulations, Dixie Chick, you are not only my favorite band, but also, the singer of my favorite song. Be proud. This is a very great honor. Now hurry the awesomeness up, make a new album and go on tour. I'd die to see you perform live. Want to perform at my birthday party.

Cutest. Video. Ever.

Inspirational Words of Wisdom

FUN. FUN. THINK ABOUT FUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!

- Rebecca Black

That's nice.



This is going to be Charlie Sheen in 2 years.





Is this really happening?

It can't be.
Is this true?
Oh my God.

Yes my children, it has arrived, the closest thing Heaven: Summer Break
This must be what it was like for the Jews once they found out how much the Halla Costs.

I haven't ever been this happy before.
Neither has anyone at my school. People around here are jus tso elated to get the Hell out of dodge.
Except for the idiots who have summer school.
How do you get summer school? I mean seriously?
Once you see that you have a 52 in math, you get your shit together.
You don't just give up and fail.
You bribe and sex your way up to a passing grade.

I'm currently in computer class.
For some reason the princible feels that he has to mess with us one more time, so he jacked up the bell schedule, in an a attempt to drive us crazy with mind games that are on par with the likes of Jigsaw from Saw, and my personal favorite Ghostface from Scream.

I went golfing yesturday.
Correction: My dad went golfing, and I drove around in the golf cart like the fatty that I am.

This is what me and my dad looked like in that golf cart:

Al. Most. Done.

That's what she said.

SO school is almost over with, until August.
Then it starts all over again.
Meh.

\We have 1 and a half days left.
I'm typing this at school, that's why there's that retarded half in there.
Well we've had finals for the past two days and we even have them on THE LAST DAY of school.
It's so retarded.

You know what day most school years end on?
Friday?
Does our school get to be normal?
Of course not.
Because the Azle Independent School District is fucked up.

I'm probably going to yelled at by my parents for added that specific word above.

Well, I got stabbed by Forrest Gump yesterday.
Yeah, the one that sounds like a billy goat and eats paper.
Me and my friends had free time in class, and we were just going around to random people and pinching them, just to see their reaction.
I was offered a bag of chips to pinch Forrest, and I didn't want to pass that offer up.
I love chips.

So I went over to where Forrest was sitting, sneaked behind him and before I even got in a full pinch, he turned around, looked at me with a look on his eyes that resembled Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

After I received my death glare from Hitler, he promptly stabbed me.
Hard.
With a sharpened pencil.
He had to re-sharpen it afterwords.

I only have one sentance in response:
My friend owes me 2 bags of chips.

Yearbook

A few days ago our school gave us the yearbooks we paid for way back in December. When I got it, I was surprised on how simple they were.
I, i.e. my mother, paid upwards of $60 for these things.
I was expecting it to shit out tacos , but when I realized that, in fact, there wouldn't be no free tacos.
I was outraged.

We've spent the past week saying our good-byes and writing big long *insert gross joke here* notes in them.
I, being so out spoken, was surprised to find that when my friends asked me to sign their yearbook that I was stumped for something to write.
I managed to pull this gold one out of my ass
"Have an amahzing summer.
- Mark B. Goodnight"
Clearly I had a lot to say.

Then came Al Pachino with his yearbook.
We were in advisory and he went to get someone who was near me and my group of friends to sign it. He left to go to the restroom.
That's when Jordan said "We are going to sign that book." I was trying to keep my cool, in order to seem like a well seasoned comedian.
I was opening the book and about to sign it when Al Pachino walked in. He ran over to me and was trying to rip the book out of my hands.

This is when I lost my shit.
I busted out laughing.
I though I was going to pass out.
After he pryed the book from my hands, he said some bad words.
I had some choice words for him and I was going to let them out.

Me - "Listen you little vampire fuck-face, I don't appreciate you being so rude. I am just a boy from Fort Worth who's trying to make peace with another kid. I was going to write positive things, but clearly now I realize that you have no qualms with treating me like shit. So now I'm just going to voice my opinion."

Al Pachino - "What ever, asshole."

Kayleigh - "You are a terrible person."

Me - "That is exactly what I was thinking."

Al Pachino - "I can't believe you're treating me like this when I spent 2 years in a boys camp. That was two years away from my family."

Me - "That is because you PEED on someone. That is unforgivable."

This is true. He took the liberty of telling my entire history class about this.
Apparently, he unzipped his pants, whipped it out, and promptly peed all over some
poor girl.
He did spend 2 years at a boys camp, and the asshole takes it upon himself to use this when he's in verbal altercations with people, and especially with me.
But I'm never too shy to call bullshit on this guy, even in front of teachers.

This fight went on for some time and then after the argument ended, he decided that sitting there for the next ten minutes was necessary.
For a second I thought he was going to start crying like a little bitch.
But unfortunately, he managed to get it together.

I looked over to my left, where Britney was sitting.
She didn't look too excited.
In fact, she looked like Debbie Downer.

I didn't know who she was angry at; me or Al Pachino
We were being quite mean, but he deserved it. I mean it's not like she's the nicest person to him.
He is awful.
As it turned out I had nothing to worry about.
She wasn't angry at me.
I don't know why she would've been angry. She hated him.

This school year has been freaking irritating.
I'm glad that the last day of school is on Monday.
Spending any more time at this school would to drive me to drink.

I quit.

Spoiler Alert

I'm afraid I have some terrible news.
Sit down.


Lauren lost American Idol.
Not only did she lose, she lost to Scotty McSatan.

Are you fucking kidding me?
Lauren was about 8 trillion and 4 times better than Scotty.
The only reason that Scotty won, is that every girl 15 and under voted 200 times.
Granted, I voted that many times for Lauren, but she deserved to win. She is pure talent. I think that the last girl winner was Carrie Underwood. She was the last succesful one anyway. Scotty McSatan sucks.

He sounds like EVERY. OTHER. MALE. COUNTRY. SINGER.
I'm fucking enraged.
Scotty "Sanjaya'd" his way to the top.
This pisses me off to a whole new level.

Whatever.
Lauren is going to be a lot more successful than Scotty.

What really irks me is that my sister had to rub it in my face.
The first words out of her mouth?

"Oh God, now Mark's going to cry."
DAMN STRAIGHT.

I'm so angry.
If Scotty and Lauren become successful, and they're both up for album of the year at the Grammy's, Lauren WILL win.

Do you want to know why?
Because she's fucking epic.

This does not apply to me...at all......MY BODY, MY CHOICE.

Right before lunch ended, the principal said "ATTENTION! All girls may go outside for the remainder of lunch, and boys, we get have a little conversation,"


I swear to God, I thought I was going to piss myself, because I was so nervous.
I knew I didn't do anything wrong, so I had nothing to be nervous about, but I was nervous, nevertheless.

I don't know why I get nervous like this, but it always happens. It's kind of like how I get nervous around cops, because I'm afraid that they are going to arrest me for......never doing anything illegal, ever.

I looked around the table I was sitting at. It was all girls. I was going to be alone when this happened, alone with every 8th grade boy in school.
This is my worst nightmare.
The only people, who bully me at school, are boys.
I was surrounded by my oppressors.

"In the past week, I have had 3 separate cases of girls coming into my office, saying that a boy touched them in inappropriately," said the principal. "Oh, Jesus," I moaned aloud. The principal continued on with his well practiced speech. "If you harass a girl, you WILL be put in sac or AEP or suspended." His country drawl seemed to be even more concentrated as he spoke.

Our school principal is what I like to call an “Almost Nugget” He isn’t quite a midget, but he is shorter than the average male, and he is extremely obese. This combined with his accent, make him the cutest thing that I have ever seen, and have made him my favorite school principal.

“If a girl comes to me saying this, I will not ask questions. You will be punished severely” He was getting angry, and his face was turning red. I was scared that his poor little almost nugget body couldn’t take the stress. I though on several occasions that I would have to fake AIDs to get the attention off of the poor guy.

“I don’t care if you touched her, looked at her strangely, invaded her space, or sent her inappropriate texts.” This set me beside myself. The fact that I was classified with a group of people, who could do that, appalled me. I do not sext. I do not pext. I do not bext. A.) That’s fucking gross. B.) I would be too afraid that the phone company could see what I was texting. C.) With my luck the pictures would start to circulate when I am on the height of blog superstardom.

I almost started screaming, “I’m sorry, but does this even apply to me. I’m Mark Burrows Goodnight. I’m smart. Also, I’m scorching, and the ladies come to me.” Seriously, that is gross. My ears, my choice, dude. I don’t need to be hearing this shit.
Since when is it okay to talk to kids about these things.
I deem subjects like this to be wildly inappropriate for our age group.

Where is the FCC when you need them, damn it?

"It's the Mississippi fault line!"

Oh my dear lard Jesus.
Al Pachino is at his usual shenanigans again.

I'm sure you've heard that the world is supposed to end tomorrow.
Literally only God knows whether it's gonna happen or not, but Al Pachino is absolutely positive that it WILL, in fact, end.
His theory?
"The world is gonna end because the government is planning to break the Mississippi fault line tomorrow at 6:00 P.M. It's gonna be 9.5 earthquake in Mississippi and a 4.4 here in Azle! You gotta believe me! Go to Fema.gov!"

I went there just now.
It said nothing about a fault line, or about bogus government conspiracy's, or Jesus coming to take us to Heaven on his flying Unicorn.
I hope that there isn't an earthquake, only so my friends and I can point and laugh at him.

What is he going to say when he comes to school tomorrow, and nothing has happened?
"Yeah, so I was wrong. Laugh at me and I'll suck your blood dry."
To which I would respond,
"I bet you'd like that. Ooh, look at my veins, all supple, delicious, and exposed. Are you getting thirsty? I have a big ole supply of warm 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit blood in here."

This guy proves time, and time again, that he is not only insane, but also a total lunatic.
Seriously, somebody please call a mental hospital.

If the world does end tomorrow, the I'm taking my TOMS, my phone, and my charger.
Which leads me to this:
Do you think there's cable in Heaven? Because I will not miss the American Idol finale.

I can NOT believe Haley got voted off of American Idol!
I cna't believe that guy Scotty is still in.
He isn't that good. He sounds like EVERY OTHER male country singer in the world.
It wasn't supposed tp be like this.
It was supposed to be Lauren and Haley in the top 2, and they were going to tie, and both get recording contracts, and everything in the world would have been right.

Surely Haley will get a recording contract and be super successful.

I hope with all of my heart that Lauren wins.
All of you should text vote to American Idol, for Lauren.
She is my love.

Rude people, Annoying voices and Awesome accents.

The RUDEST person at school, has been established.
He beat Ross and Rachelll.
He beat O.J.
He even managed to slide barely past Al Pachino.

His nickname is
Donald Trump.

On monday, I was walking to my car after school, with my best good friend, Britney. Well, him, a level 5 fat Mexican that I'm naming Gigantico, and some mysterious/faceless character, opened the bus window, and screamed "Hey FAGGOT!" and "Yo FAG."

How original.
I retorted with this one, "Really? Really!? WHY CAN'T YOU GAIN THE COURAGE TO COME UP TO ME AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU ******* ********!?!?"
It wasn't my best comeback but it described them perfectly.
I filed a report the next morning.
I'm tired of this happening.
I listed my friend Britney as a Witness, and she said she would be willing to testify on my behalf.
I've found that the public school system has pretty much become a court system.
They have trials, witness' and even lawyers sometimes, but they never work.
Nobody gets sent to prison, they get one day of lunch detention, and that's about it.
No lesson is learned once it's over.
It's been 2 days, and nothing has been done.
I'm thinking about contacting Chelsea Handler.

My reading teacher, who I am naming Kat Von D, has the worst voice ever.
She like holds half of her mouth closed while she talks and it's very soothing, or lack thereof.
Her voice makes me want to strangle a golden retriever.

One of my mothers work friends is over, and he has a sweet ass accent.
It's like Jamaican/German/English/Australian.
It's pretty damn dope.

Sexual Healing

Yes, my children.


It is that time.
Time for Sex Ed.
It's dreaded by many of us humans.
Even by some parents.
But guess who isn't?
Al Pachino

Yeah, in fact, he couldn't stop talking about it.

Even before this class started a week ago, he couldn't wait to tell the whole school about his adventures with the nether regions of the female anatomy.
He is such a disgrace to the male community.

Boys like me, spend years building up our reputation, and then pervy vampires, such as Al Pachino, tear it down like Godzilla on Redbull and Crack.

Anyhow, it’s Sex Ed, or “Worth the Wait” week, and that means we get to say words out loud in class, without getting in trouble, such as vagina, and Uterus, and ejaculate and PENIS.

Yes, PENIS. Deal with it. It’s gross but in Sex Ed. it is said about 84 times per class. Or as I like to call these classes “Mind Rapes” Or “Mind Molestations”

Cervix

Did that make you uncomfortable?
It sure made me feel uncomfortable.

Now try listening to those words spew out of your science teacher’s mouth at 62 miles per hour.
To make matters worse, he puts drawings up on the board.
They are very detailed, and very gross.

The whole time I’m in that class, I just go to my happy place, and deal with it. Also I pray a little that the icky-ness will stop soon. It’s how I would imagine being raped would be.

Minus the anal pain and the drowsiness from the roofie.